So, picture this: I’m walking through my garden, and everything looks… fine. Too fine. Green, calm, peaceful — basically the botanical equivalent of a polite golf clap. Even mushrooms looks polished. And I thought, nope, not today. I wanted color. I wanted chaos. I wanted chickens. And not the clucking, feather‑shedding kind — but tall, ridiculous, cement chickens that make people question my sanity and then laugh about it.
Spoiler alert: it worked.
The Random List of Stuff You’ll Need
- Cement (aka adult Play‑Doh that gets rock hard)
- Sand (because cement alone just feels lonely)
- Nylon stockings (don’t ask, just trust)
- Wire (so the eyeballs don’t fall off)
- Styrofoam balls (perfect for crazy chicken eyes)
- Primer (the underpants of paint)
- Acrylic paints (the brighter the better — subtlety is overrated)
- Outdoor varnish (to keep the chickens looking fabulous in the rain)
My process
Mix 1 part cement with 2 parts sand. Add water slowly, about 0.6 to 0.7 of the cement amount. And here’s a tip no one told me: cement is like a drama queen — the more you stir, the runnier it gets. So I went from “solid mix” to “oops, chicken soup” real fast. Moral of the story: add water slow, stir like you mean it, and pray a little.
Grab a nylon stocking, pop in the top of a plastic bottle, and start filling it with cement. I know, it sounds weird — but hey, it works. Make a nice fat base first so the chicken won’t face‑plant in your garden.
Then build up the neck. This is the fun part because you can choose your chicken’s personality. Want a plump diva hen? Add more. Going for a lanky rooster that looks like he skipped leg day? Use less. Stick two wires on top for eyes.
Hang the whole thing to dry for a day. And yes, it looks ridiculous hanging there. Just smile and wave if your neighbors stare.
Next day, peel off the stocking. What you’ll see is… well, honestly, it looks like a weird abstract vase. I may have laughed out loud. Sand off the rough edges a bit, but don’t stress — this chicken’s charm is not in being smooth. Think rustic, not IKEA.
Mix more cement. Take your Styrofoam balls, slap some cement on, and pop them onto the wires. Voilà — bug‑eyed chicken in progress. Shape a little cement cone for the beak.
For the comb, I basically slapped on a lump and poked at it with a clay tool until it looked right. If you don’t have clay tools, a spoon works. (Don’t ask how I know — my cutlery drawer still has regrets.) Pro tip: wet the surface before attaching new parts. It’s like glue but less messy than me trying to tape things together.
Primer first — think of it as the chicken’s undercoat. Then I went full chaos mode: red combs, orange beaks, white eyes with pupils that make them look permanently shocked, and neon‑bright bodies. Yellow, purple, pink, turquoise — I wasn’t holding back.
Details are important!.
Colors should be bright!.
Oh, and polka dots. Because what’s a crazy chicken without giant pink polka dots? I ended up with more paint on my arms than the chickens, but that’s just proof of artistic dedication, right?.
Choose colors wisely!.
Not all details could be made from concrete.
When the paint dried, I hit them with a coat of outdoor varnish.
Now they’re weather‑proof and ready to live their best lives out in the garden.
I placed them among the flowers, and I swear they look like they’re gossiping about me when I’m not watching.
Final Verdict
These chickens are, without a doubt, the best bad idea I’ve had in years. They’re bright, ridiculous, and possibly terrifying in the right light. But they make me laugh every single time I see them. And honestly? A garden should do that.
So if you’re craving some chaos in your backyard — grab some cement, some nylons, and get to work. Worst case scenario, you end up with mutant chickens. Best case? You’ll have the most unforgettable garden on the block.